FA

With the Hampton squad in the bag, and Morten Gamst Pedersen still asking for directions to the sauna, I was ready to submit our league entry to one of the nation's many football associations. There are many FAs available, each tailored to cater for a team's preferred kick-off times.

In my case, the decision was out of my hands. Our chairman had managed to secure a lucrative sponsorship deal with the energy company npower, on the understanding that the club raises its electricity bills by playing all of its games at night. You know all of those clubs that boast of their carbon-neutral status? Yeah, we're the opposite of that, it seems.

Because of our new-found desire to squander energy, we plumped for the appropriately named Nighttime Football Association. Several other interesting business decisions were taken; for starters, the undersoil heating would be permanently on, even in summer. "Look on the bright side, it'll give the pitch a continental glow, which will suit most of our overseas players," the chairman quipped.

With the inaugural NFA league kicking off on Monday, the team had a few days to prepare themselves for the season ahead. A host of friendlies were lined up; could the Harriers get a few goals under their belts before the competitive action began?