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Knockout

The first cup competition of the season had dawned upon us: the Nighttime Cup saw 98 NFA clubs , with the winner guaranteed a place in the UFFA Cup Winners' Cup.

Our opponents were Ding Dong FC, who were in the midst of an impressive club record 10-match unbeaten run. They were a team built on a solid formation, with few star names but lots of excellent performers. It was going to be a tough match.

It got off to the best possible start after a defensive howler from Ding Dong keeper Pa Dembo Touray (who finished the match with a 4.9 rating). Rushing out of his box to make a hurried clearance, he was forced to head the ball away, where it landed at the feet of Morten Gamst Pedersen. Even 35 yards from goal, it was still an easy finish, as he lobbed the ball into the empty goal.

We weren't strangers to a 1-0 lead, although in previous matches we'd failed to hold onto it. So there was much rejoicing when, in the 52nd minute, Luton Shelton rounded the defence to put Hampton into a seemingly unassailable 2-0 lead. (The word "seemingly" will be your clue here.)

Peter Niemeyer pulled a scrappy goal back for the home side, and in truth we were left holding on for the final whistle. But for the third time in the season so far, we fell victim to our old foe: the last-minute equaliser. Diouf bagged a sitter to send the game to extra time, and from there it looked like a penalty shoot-out all the way.

And so to penalties. In the end, it was little more than a footnote: Ding Dong converted all of their penalties, despite Dudek's despairing efforts, and only Pedersen and Pahars were able to score for Hampton. A 4-2 defeat on penalties to a team ranked over 600 places above us in the world rankings shouldn't have been a disappointment, but given what had gone before, we had to consider ourselves extremely unlucky.

Another cup competition lay in wait, in the form of the Game World Cup, and our experience in this match would surely stand us in good stead for the knockout games ahead.

Newcomers

At the start of the new league season, we took several defenders on loan, in an attempt to patch up our battered back-line. And it seemed to be working, even if the resulting low scorelines weren't necessarily giving the fans maximum value-for-money. Permanent signings were bound to be on the horizon, and today I was able to unveil the first batch of these. Paraguayan central defender Dario Veron - nicknamed "The Wizard" - was just the man to make our terrible defensive record disappear. And midfield maestro Miguel Angel, formerly of Barcelona and Real Betis, was the perfect lynchpin for the centre of our midfield, as a long-term replacement for the underperforming Georgi Kinkladze.

This meant that we didn't renew the contracts of a couple of our trialists. Kevin McKenna, whose late red card had cost us three points on the opening day of the season, was released without contract. Striker Dejan Lazarevic managed three starts whilst Pahars was injured, but he managed a total of two shots in those three matches, so letting him go wasn't a hard decision.

Still, the squad was blossoming, and a few players were getting uneasy. Cathal Lordan went public with his concern that there was too much competition for places. And who could blame him? We had four players who could play on the right side of midfield, and he was fourth choice.

More new names were on the horizon - including a proven goalscoring superhero - more about those tomorrow, along with news about the clearout of deadwood...

Grinding

The opening NFA Q1 League match of the season against Kapanga had given us a big boost. Despite a late equaliser which denied us all three points, the performance was a total transformation from the unpredictable high-scoring mess which plagued pre-season.

As the matches passed, it was clear that this was a continuing trend. In our first eight matches, neither side managed to score more than a single goal. The results in full, with Hampton's score first, were: 1-1, 1-1, 0-1, 1-1, 1-0, 1-0, 0-1, 1-1.

And as the scorelines suggest, they were all tight affairs, showing that Hampton are fast becoming a highly-competitive side. Frustratingly, our second game of the season was a carbon copy of the Kapanga game; Luton Shelton fired us into an early lead, but we conceded a 90th minute equaliser.

It was a trend which seemed to be repeated elsewhere in the league; Conklin Forks manager, Tim Conklin, was bemoaning the same problem. Competition was fierce, and we were still struggling to keep our heads above the water - given the quality of our performances, it felt harsh that we sat in mid-table with only ten points from eight matches.

Click below for a full run-down of Hampton's first ten matches of the league season.

League

It took so long to clear up the unfortunate mess with the chairman that we never did get around to discussing the club's form. And a good job too; it had been decidedly unimpressive in pre-season, although this was largely due to a lack of funds. We'd identified several defensive weaknesses, and we just had to make some careful signings to balance these.

As expected, events took their course and our finances were soon back in shape. Once our daily league income of £100,000 was sorted out, there was no looking back. Combined with a one-off league payment of £300,000 to cover television rights, the club was soon back in the black, and funds were available for transfers.

And it wasn't a moment too soon. With the start of the season just around the corner, I was finally free to start making some defensive adjustments. I put in a couple of sealed bids for some quality central defenders; the results won't be known until tomorrow night. In the meantime, we brought in a couple of loan signings (Jhon Medina and Sven Verdonck), both of whom will spend the next seven days with the club. We also took Kevin McKenna on a 24-hour trial, with a view to a permanent contract if he performs well.

So it was a slightly revised Hampton side which took to the pitch for their first ever league match, in the NFA Qualifying Division 1. Here are the team which took their place in the history books against Argentinian side Kapanga:

With Verdonck and McKenna both making their club debuts, there was a danger that we would have a lack of communication within the back line, but compared to the shambolic performers which used to hold their positions - culpable of conceding 15 goals in our last 5 friendlies, and managing just a single clean sheet in our 17 pre-season matches - it was bound to be an improvement.

And so it proved to be. In an almost entirely flawless performance, Luton Shelton put Hampton into a 32nd minute lead with a well-placed strike. We went onto the defensive for much of the second half - nice to be able to rely on that as a tactic - and it seemed to have paid off, until things fell apart in the 87th minute. From a long Kapanga goal kick, Kevin McKenna made a committed challenge on Fabio Rochemback; it was one of those which looked worse than it really was, but referee Steve Bennett was one of those who bought the home side's protests. McKenna was issued with a straight red card, and from the resulting free-kick, Lucas Lobos drilled home an excellent 25-yard strike to ensure that the match finished 1-1.

It was an incredibly encouraging start to the league season, with none of the sheer incompetence which had blighted many of our previous performances. There was a hectic line-up of games to follow, including the first knockout game of the season, against Ding Dong FC in the Nighttime Cup.

Randy

Meeting with the chairman of Hampton Harriers was by no means a trivial task. Eccentric American tycoon Randy Hicks never left his home state of Iowa - "If God had meant for us to travel, we'd have been born with passports," he once remarked during a surprisingly sober conversation.

Like many American billionaires, Randy had made his money through oil. He'd invested heavily in the late nineties, when crude oil was trading for below $20 a barrel; with prices now over $100 a barrel, his finances were booming. In fact, he was buying so much oil that he started a very successful sideline in manufacturing oil drums.

Although the global price of oil was generally still heading upwards, there was enough uncertainty in the market that businessmen were beginning to look for more reliable investments - such as sports teams.

Investing in sports didn't really draw on Randy's strongest traits. He was a cold profiteer at heart; as with any other business, if an investment wasn't proving profitable, he would dump it at the earliest opportunity. Not so important if you're talking about oil, but for a professional sports team, the withdrawl of funding would often signify the beginning of the end.

So it was with a great deal of trepidation that I headed to Iowa for my first meeting with our head honcho. After the blunt note that I had received from his office, I assumed - correctly - that he'd heard about our club's precarious financial state.

Walking through the gates of Hicks House, and up to its palacial front doors, it was clear that Randy wasn't afraid to splash the cash. He was well known for his spoilt-child attitude, always wanting to get his hands on the latest craze or fad. Rumour has it that one of the garages at Hicks House is crammed full with a personalised fleet of Sinclair C5s. Similar eyebrows had been raised when he first made his investment in the then-unknown Hampton Harriers; but more about that story another day.

Walking up the marble steps to Randy's office, I was greeted by the sight of the man himself stood at the top, wearing only a towel, puffing on a cigar. "Neil, great to see you," he said, "Step into the sun lounge, and let's get down to business."

He wasn't fooling around. Before I'd taken my seat, he announced: "Look, we need to make sweeping changes. Not small, half-baked changes. Big changes. I've seen the balance sheet, and it's not pretty."

"That's right, Mr Hicks, but if you take a look at the 28-day projections..."

"Screw the 28-day projections!" he scoffed. "We're losing fifty thousand a day! Do you know what 28 times fifty thousand is?"

I didn't.

"We're blowing cash all over the shop, and this is where it stops. I invested in Hampton to make it the biggest franchise in the whole of England, to make Hampton into a team of world-beaters, one which could rival the likes of the Yankees, the Mets, the Red Sox."

"And there's still time, sir. The season kicks off in a couple of days, and -"

"We need big names, Neil. Huge, star players which will draw in the crowds and generate huge merchandising sales. This big signing of yours - Pedersen - is he the man to do it? Is he a big home-run slogger?"

It was at about this time that I realised that Randy had absolutely no idea what the team did. The investment had been presented to him as a straight money-making venture, and he hadn't taken the time to read the small print. Or the large print, it seemed.

"Well, actually Mr Hicks, Hampton aren't a baseball team. We're a football team."

Randy let out a bellowing roar. "Oh, I'm sorry man, how foolish of me. There I was, blabbering away, and you were sitting there thinking I was a prize idiot."

I kept awkwardly silent.

"Well, never you mind," he continued. "If it's football you play, I've got just the contacts that you need. Let me just make a quick phonecall to an old friend of mine."

Randy picked up the telephone, and within seconds he was connected to his old friend. "Chet, my man, great to talk to you," he said. "Listen, I've got a good friend of mine here from England. He's starting a huge new football franchise, and he's after some star talent, I was wondering if you had any free agents on your books right now? ...Ah-ha, that's fantastic." He gave me a wink and a thumbs-up, before continuing. "Yes... yes... Okay, gotcha. Yeah, an all-star quarterback is just what we're looking for."

I slapped my forehead in frustration. "Actually, Mr Hicks..."

He brushed away my objection, continuing his conversation. "Fantastic. Yes, book him onto a plane to London immediately. ...His family? Yeah, book them on too. And buy them a house to live in. Great stuff. I'll catch you later." He put down the phone. "Now, where were we?"

This was a conversation which would take some undoing.

Neil's note: Apologies to fans of Aston Villa and Liverpool - as they say in the film credits, any resemblence to real-life persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental ;)

Disarray

The next few days after returning from Norway proved to be some of the most stressful, frustrating and desperate times that I've encountered at Hampton so far. In the course of five friendlies - four of which were played at our new Lakeside Stadium home - the team conceded 22 goals, and failed to salvage even a draw out of any of them.

It was an embarrassing opening for our new stadium, where we'd assembled a media weekend to allow the Peterborough press to evaluate our new team and facilities. Our opening game was palatable - a 3-1 defeat to Moss Rose was perhaps to be expected, but we created many chances and held a fair percentage of the possession. What followed against Lesoot United was little short of a shambles.

The match got off to an inauspicious start, and despite a couple of early Lesoot goals from Bryan and Kenia, Hampton fought their way back to trail 2-1 at the interval, thanks to a goal from Marian Pahars. It was at this point that things started to go horribly wrong.

I should've mentioned that the club's financial situation, which had blighted my trip to Norway, hadn't improved. The club was currently operating on a £61,000 per week wage budget; nothing too stressful, as the weekly payments from the FA should outweigh that. However, the FA only gives income to clubs which have an official ranking, and as we'd played only a handful of games, we didn't yet qualify for a cash injection.

Until now, the club had been getting by, and I'd been desperately lining up enough friendlies for the club to earn a world ranking. However, today was the day that our precarious financial position became clear for all to see.

I was in the home dressing room, giving the boys a pep-talk ahead of the second half against Lesoot. "That was a tough first 45 minutes, but I think that Marian's late goal has shown us that there is light at the end of the tunnel."

At that moment, there was a power cut.

I hoped that it was just the changing rooms which had been effected, but as I staggered slowly through the dark stadium hallways, it became clear that this was a widespread problem. Struggling to find my way to pitchside, I instead headed for the room where I could hear the most noise. There was a ruckus coming from the press box, where dozens of journalists were complaining about their work which was lost when their PCs powered off.

"It's an unfortunate isolated incident," I informed them, "It's most likely an electrical substation fault."

"Then how do you explain that?" quipped one reporter, pointing to pitchside.

It turned out that not everything in the stadium had lost its power. It was looking increasingly like our energy suppliers were (literally) trying to send us a message.

With the remainder of the Lakeside Stadium - including the floodlights - still without power, we took the decision to finish the game with an orange ball. After all, the light from the scoreboard was casting a faint glow over the pitch. Despite the new lighting arrangements, the game quickly descended into farce, with Hampton eventually going down to a 7-3 defeat. I'd resorted to using a pen and paper to keep track of the score; I had to send away for more paper before the end of the match. Perhaps the only saving grace was that, with the power still out, the assembled journalists were unable to write too much about what an utter disaster the evening had been.

It was a morale-sapping night for all concerned, and it perhaps went some way to explaining what happened in the days that followed. A hastily-arranged away trip to Pembrokeshire FC resulted in a 7-0 defeat, and an Iberian double-header against Tucanes (Spain) and Alcaria (Portugal) resulted in 1-0 and 4-0 defeats respectively.

It was at this point that I received a message which no manager ever wants to see:

The chairman would like to meet with you urgently.

Gulp.

Victory

We headed straight from Heath FC's stadium to Cardiff International Airport, where we flew to Bergen in Norway for a friendly encounter with the exotic-sounding Spiceboys. And, as you've probably already gathered from the title of this entry, Hampton managed something of a continental masterclass.

In a game which we dominated in shots, if not possession, the Hampton Harriers notched up their first ever competitive victory with a 3-1 beating of the Spiceboys. The history books will show that it was Serginho who scored the maiden Hampton goal, but the man of the match award was never going to be taken away from Marian Pahars, who had an astounding game. He forced a string of fine saves out of Spiceboys keeper Manuel Herrera, but the Spaniard was beaten by Pahars on two occasions.

A consolation goal from Adel Taarabt meant that we missed out on our first clean sheet, but the boys are obviously delighted to have their first win under their belts. Sadly, my elation was short-lived as I received a disturbing call from the club's accountant.

"Did you know that the club has exceeded its overdraft limit?" a worried voice said to me.

"Hmm, that's a bit odd. I know that the team's wages were paid today, but that should have been balanced out by our income payments from the FA. Can you text me the latest transactions on the account?"

A moment later, I received an SMS:

00:04 Player wages out £61,800
00:04 Daily income £1

I worriedly called our accountant again. "I'm pretty sure the end of that message was cut off; you said that we only made one pound today!"

"That's not a typo."

Clearly there was going to be more than training on my mind when I returned to England.

Neil's note: Sadly I won't get a chance to add any blog posts on Friday - real life plans have decided to get in the way instead! The Hampton story will continue on Saturday, as the club plays its final friendlies in the run-up to the NFA season's start. There'll also be some detailed impressions on Football Manager Live itself.

Flatts

During the recent friendly against Heath, their manager Gareth Hughes was causing a huge distraction. Not because he was leaving his technical area, or because he was yelling torrents of abuse; the problem was much more musical in nature.

It seems that Hughes was particuarly addicted to a pop song called "Life Is A Highway", by Rascal Flatts. He liked the song so much that he kept a hi-fi in the dugout, so that he could listen to the song during the match.

At one point, the fourth official tried to ask Hughes to turn the music down, but after listening to its infectious rhythm, the man in black decided to join the Heath manager in an air guitar solo instead.

If you're not sure what I had to contend with during the match, judge for yourself below.

Debut

With the Lakeside Stadium pitch still having its pointless corporate-sponsored undersoil heating installed, the club's first professional matches would be taking place away from home. Our first journey took us to Wales, and the imposing Ninian Park Number Two, which dwarfs Cardiff City's nearby stadium of a similar name.

Heath FC, of the Xtreme Football Association, were a team to be afraid of. Fresh off the back of a club record 6-0 victory against DiggerDagger FC, and currently ranked the 11th best team in the world, the green recruits of Hampton were sure to be a pushover for them. I had three main goals for the fixture:

• Get our first team up to a match-fit state before the NFA season kicks off;
• Complete the match with our pride intact;
• Not to allow Heath FC to break their club record victory for a second game in a row.
  

We made a promising attacking start, but it was Heath who made the breakthrough in the 18th minute when Brazillian striker Otacilio Neto appropriately earned his 18th goal of the pre-season campaign. Steve Lekoelea managed to shrug off Serginho's midfield challenge, and threaded a ball through to Neto on the edge of the 18-yard box. Neto managed to muscle his way clear of Joe Devera's half-hearted challenge, and placed the ball beyond Dudek into the far corner of the goal.

It was a goal which threatened to open the floodgates, but much to their credit, the Hampton defence stood firm. It was a defensive display which drew the plaudits of opposition manager Gareth Hughes in his post-match press conference, and it at least managed to take the attention away from what was a disappointing Hampton attacking display.

Truth be told, much of the club's training thus far has been defensive-based. With no full-time coaches on the Hampton books yet, my training sessions have mostly been pretty basic: something along the lines of "Try not to **** it up". Our strike force hasn't had much of a chance to work together thus far, which is why our main attacking option seemed to avoid pumping the ball long in the general direction of ageing Marian Pahars, who didn't have his goalscoring boots on for this match.

A 1-0 final score was a pretty positive result for us, and a bit of work on our attacking play could soon yield some goals - and who knows, maybe even a victory.

FA

With the Hampton squad in the bag, and Morten Gamst Pedersen still asking for directions to the sauna, I was ready to submit our league entry to one of the nation's many football associations. There are many FAs available, each tailored to cater for a team's preferred kick-off times.

In my case, the decision was out of my hands. Our chairman had managed to secure a lucrative sponsorship deal with the energy company npower, on the understanding that the club raises its electricity bills by playing all of its games at night. You know all of those clubs that boast of their carbon-neutral status? Yeah, we're the opposite of that, it seems.

Because of our new-found desire to squander energy, we plumped for the appropriately named Nighttime Football Association. Several other interesting business decisions were taken; for starters, the undersoil heating would be permanently on, even in summer. "Look on the bright side, it'll give the pitch a continental glow, which will suit most of our overseas players," the chairman quipped.

With the inaugural NFA league kicking off on Monday, the team had a few days to prepare themselves for the season ahead. A host of friendlies were lined up; could the Harriers get a few goals under their belts before the competitive action began?

Squad

So, there you have it. The initial Hampton Harriers squad has taken shape, and will gather tonight ahead of our first match. If you're looking for a quick squad overview - look no further! (Actually, look below.)

After all that hard work hammering out contracts, I've decided I'm well overdue for a break, so I've gone spelunking. There's plenty more club news to come tonight though; I've still not filled you in about our chairman, the details of our Football Association, or even how this whole Hampton venture came together in the first place. All this and more, tonight...

Strikers

With big money being spent elsewhere in the squad, and other managers gobbling up strikers faster than Michelle McManus at a cake sale, our forward line was never going to be the most glamorous. However, I'm confident that we've managed to gather a bunch of clinical finishers who should be able to trouble even the meanest of defences.

Not many clubs have players who are the third top scorer in their country's international history. Well, the Harriers can lay claim to that. Marian Pahars has been prolific for both club and country throughout his career, with both Southampton and Latvia fans holding him in high regard. So far in training, he's shown a propensity to drift right, so he may find himself in an advanced wing position; nevertheless, expect Marian to be a contender for Hampton's top scorer this season.

Luton Shelton is a name which won't ring many bells to people (unless you're Mrs Shelton, of course). The 22-year-old Jamaican striker spent an unsuccessful spell at Sheffield United, where he was outcast by manager Kevin Blackwell for being "a bit of a maverick", but he has blossomed since. Indeed, in the past month, he's bagged five goals in two internationals for Jamaica, which prompted me to make the call to Kevin. After wiring him £26k, Luton became a Hamptonite.

Our other two strikers will have to work hard to prove themselves. Michael Moore (no relation to the American film-maker) has been a quiet success in Scottish football over the past few seasons, beavering away at whatever club would take him. Now it's our turn. Matthew Judge is another young graduate of the Eircom League, and will be looking to hook up with former rival Alan Cawley, who also joined Hampton this week.

Summary
Matthew Judge (£8,000) AM R + F C
Marian Pahars (£12,000) AM RL + F C
Luton Shelton (£26,000) S
Michael Moore (£6,000) S
Total acquisition fee for strikers: £52,000

Midfielders

I've already talked about our star midfielder, but suffice to say, Morten Gamst Pedersen is the big name in our central line. Well, I call it a "line", but it's going to be far from that. I've managed to procure an extremely attacking-minded bunch of players, so fans at the Lakeside Stadium can expect a lot of action this season.

The other big name in our midfield is the irrepressible playmaker Georgi Kinkladze. The Georgian made his name in English football with Manchester City, before returning for a recent spell at Derby. After several unexciting club ventures in his homeland, he announced his retirement in 2006, but I managed to coax him back to England for one more shot at the big-time.

Like our defence, much of our midfield is made up of young rising stars. Cathal Lordan spent several years on the books at Ipswich, but never managed to break through into the first team. Here at Hampton, he might just get his chance. Similarly, Alan Cawley spent a total of four seasons with Leeds and Sheffield Wednesday, but never made an appearance in the senior squad. After starring in his home nation in the Eircom League, I brought him back to England for another shot. Finally, Lee Carney had previously been plying his trade at non-leaguers Horsham; however, I saw something in him (or maybe I'd just been drinking) and was persuaded to take a punt on him.

Finishing off the midfield lineup are a couple of experienced workhorses. Welshman Neil Roberts is a firm fan favourite at Wrexham, but the thrill of signing for the Hampton franchise proved too strong to resist. We've also added some South American flair with Brazillian star Serginho, whose strength and desire in training has already led to calls for him to be made the club captain.

Summary
Serginho (£12,000) DM
Cathal Lordan (£8,000) M C + AM R
Alan Cawley (£7,000) AM RC
Morten Gamst Pedersen (£230,000) AM L
Georgi Kinkladze (£8,000) AM C
Lee Carney (£4,000) M C
Neil Roberts (£3,500) M C
Total acquisition fee for midfielders: £272,500

Defenders

I'll be open and honest with the Hampton fans. Our defence is currently our weak link. More defensive signings are expected in the near future; right now, I had to make do with what was available on the open market.

That's not to discredit any of the players that I did sign. There may not be a lot of big-name defenders in our squad (yet), but the bunch I gathered are a talented lot. In Spain's Raul Bravo and Scotland's Paul Ritchie, we have a pair of international central defensive lynchpins. We also took a punt on 25-year-old non-leaguer Gary Cochrane, who is potentially a strong leader, even if his technical attributes aren't the greatest.

The rest of the defence is aged 21 or under. One lad who is close to home is Danny Blanchett, who used to play his youth football just two miles up the road in Peterborough. We also have Joe Devera - named Barnet's Player of the Year last season - and Charlton youth prodigy Sam Long, who is currently a little rough around the edges but could well develop into a future international star.

Summary
Joe Devera (£35,000) D RC
Sam Long (£9,000) D RL
Raul Bravo (£60,000) D LC
Danny Blanchett (£8,000) WB L
Gary Cochrane (£3,500) D C
Paul Ritchie (£2,500) D C
Total acquisition fee for defenders: £118,000

Goalkeepers

My first-choice goalkeeper would be a player with bags of experience, a seasoned international with European trophies under his belt. The natural choice for the role was Jerzy Dudek, formerly of Liverpool and Real Madrid. The Polish star had a couple of good seasons left in him, and would be able to step straight into the starting lineup.

Jerzy's other main role at the club was to mentor our young reserve goalkeeper. 19-year-old Chilean Carlos Lemus may not be a household name yet, but if Jerzy can help to propel us into the elite ranks, then Carlos will be tasked with keeping us there in the long-term.

Summary
Jerzy Dudek (£35,000) GK
Carlos Lemus (£9,000) GK
Total acquisition fee for goalkeepers: £44,000

Pedersen

Our eccentric chairman (more about him later) had set some very stringent financial constraints. In assembling our debut squad of 20 players, we had a maximum wage budget of £100,000 - more than enough to attract some talented players - but a transfer budget of £500,000. Effectively, this limited us to targeting unattached "free agent" players for now.

The experts say that you shouldn't build a team around one player, and yet that's what I set out to do. The man at the top of my "must-buy" list was talented Norwegian midfielder Morten Gamst Pedersen. His agent's asking price was a modest £230,000; nevertheless, that equated to nearly half of my transfer budget. But with a scouting video like the one below, who's to argue?



After a lengthy and promising chat with his agent, Morten travelled down to Hampton to meet with me, and to hammer out the terms of his contract. This was where the hard part started.

"Nice to meet you, Mr Studd," Morten declared.

"Call me gaffer," I smiled hopefully.

"So... when do I get a chance to meet up with the rest of the Hampton squad?"

I tried to think of the best way to tell him that we didn't have a squad, that he'd been my first phonecall, and I was relying on his signature to encourage other players to join the club. In the end, it came out as a muddled lie: "Er, they're all... in our sauna."

"Oh, great, you've got a sauna?"

We didn't have a sauna. I don't know why I lied by making a bigger lie.

"All in good time, young Morten," I said divertingly. "Let's get down to the nitty-gritty. You like the club, and you like the wage package?"

The Scandinavian nodded. "I'm looking for a club where I can be guaranteed a first team place. Do you think you can offer me that?"

At last, a chance to tell the truth, and a sentence which sealed the deal: "Morten, dear boy, I can safely say that right now, you will have absolutely no trouble getting into the team."

Sheila

Behind every great club is a great chairman, or so the legend goes. At Hampton Harriers, the secret of success was our patient secretary.

"Is that damned computer working yet, Sheila?" I wailed for the fifth hour in succession.

"It's not the computer that's at fault, Mr Studd, it's the connection to the FA server... oh, never mind." Sheila could clearly tell that I wasn't blessed with technical know-how, and as my eyes glazed over from her explanation, she continued her telephone discussion with FA headquarters.

"I tried re-downloading the client software, but it always freezes at 76% complete," Sheila explained to the FA's IT boffins. I looked at the screen. Sure enough, there was the same screen which was on my computer when I arrived in the office this morning:

There was silence on the other end of the telephone. Sheila absorbed the information that was being fed to her. She leant over my keyboard, pressed a few buttons, and suddenly the interface sprang into life. "Yesssss!" she declared, clearly pleased that my IT nightmare (and, by association, her nightmare) was nearing an end. She ended the phonecall, content that things were about to get back to normal.

"It's all fixed?" I asked, pretending to understand the situation.

"Yeah, all fixed," she replied. "Look, it's currently just authenticating your details." Another blank expression from me. "Just give it a minute, and you'll be in."

Many minutes passed.

"Is that damned computer working yet, Sheila?"

The nightmare continued.

Gremlins

"...And this will be your manager's office, Mr Studd. Can I get you anything else?"

It was my first time in professional football management. Heck, it was the first time I'd even had my own secretary. This was going to take some getting used to.

"Yes please Sonia," I said after an awkwardly-long pause. "I need to get in touch with the FA to finalise all of our league paperwork. Can you put me through to their registrations department?"

It turned out that technology was moving faster than I could keep up with. League registrations were now online-only, through the FA's special managers-only website. It'll be a doddle, I thought. I'd ensured that the Lakeside Stadium was kitted out with all of the IT infrastructure it could ever need; high-speed internet connections and top-spec PCs meant that I had the footballing world at my fingertips.

With anticipation oozing through me, ready to set the Hampton Harriers wheels in motion, I fired up my computer and logged in to the FA website.

There was a stunning anti-climax.

I tried again and again, only to receive the same message. How was I supposed to launch Hampton onto the world scene if I couldn't even register the team?

After several frustrated hours of trying, including , I gave up for the night and resolved to begin our quest for world domination tomorrow.